I caught a bit of Scooby-Doo on Cartoon Network today. Because I’m awesome. Anyway, a few things about this show have been bugging me for years.

1.) Whenever the gang get to whatever haunted house they’re investigating, they always split up into the same groups. Group A: Fred, Daphne and Velma. The other team? Shaggy and Scooby. That’s right, pair the pot-head and talking dog. It’s like in gym class when the teacher was feeling malevolent and decided to put all soccer players on the same team for kickball.

2.) Every episode always involved some big scheme or hustle, usually involving thousands of dollars. Yet it always boiled down to some guy dressing up like some sort of monster or ghoblin. Could you imagine if this is how people solved things in the real world? “Sir, you’re being investigated for tax fraud.”

“OK, I want you to call my lawyers…and go get my Abominal Snowman outfit!”

Diary of Haircut

1:05PM: Always encouraging when you walk-in to a store and you do not see a single costumer or employee. I could steal about $300 of over-priced shampoo and no one would ever know. While we're here, let me explain my three rules for the person who cuts my hair.

1. Don't engage me in conversation. It's nothing personal; I just don't find it necessary to talk during a haircut. Not knowing English is a plus.

2. Don't show me the back of my head when you're done. Unless you wrote something like "Long Live the IRA!" with an electric razor, I don't really care.

3. If at any point during the haircut, you pause, take a few steps back and do that framing thing with your fingers, you're putting too much effort into this.


1:08PM: An employee finally appears. He has a curly purple mohawk in front of a bald spot. On top of it, he looks like Ricky Williams. He'll be cutting my hair today. Fantastic.

1:10PM: "Damien" asks me how'd like my hair cut. How come I always get the urge to say "shorter!"

1:11PM: Damien asks me what number clippers I use. I can never remember. Can't they post a sign indicating what the numbers mean?

1:13PM: Damien drops his clippers and swears. Apparently, this ends the electricity-requiring component of my haircut.

1:19PM: We're nine minutes in and him or and I haven't said word. I like it.

1:22PM: Is there any activity that makes you more self-conscious of your appearance than a haircut? I mean, you're staring at a mirror for an extended period of time.

1:25PM: Boy, I'm a ugly.

1:27PM: Now, we're at the "Comb my wet bangs on to my forehead and haphazardly cut them with one hand" portion. If blood is going to be drawn, the time is now.

1:29PM: Shampoo time. Damien asks me what "product" I use. I'm slightly embarassed to tell him the 0.89$ Suave stuff.

1:31PM: We're done, and it's tip time. I'm a fan of the "giving them a twenty and asking for two dollars less than the change required" tipping procedure. It works for me.

Analysis: He did a pretty good job. Good length. Bangs a little longer than I'd like. Didn't talk for the duration of it, so I'll give him credit. However, that mohawks is still bugging me.

Grade: B+

I just realized that I have no idea what the phrase "can't see the forest for the trees" means. I know it's a criticism, but beyond that, I'm stumped.

OK, explain to me the thought process behind the making of the video. What producer was like "Hey, Leonard...we feel that your song about a random hobbit is video-worthy. What? You're still in your Spock costume? No problem. It will only make the video that much creepier!"

I had a dream last night. I was on the Buzz Lightyear ride at Magic Kingdom with Jack Nicholson. Figure that one out.

I’m hoping that the new “Pirates of the Caribbean” movie continues to be #1 at the box-office, if only to see more headlines like “’Pirates’ collects bounty at the box-office” or “Yarrr she blows....into the box-office lead!” They never get old.